I think people probably assume that the hardest trial I have ever faced has been my battle with cancer. That hasn't been my greatest trial. For the past 30 years my greatest trial has been my in-laws. They have had issue with me since they first met me.  Being that I had not said anything except "hello, it is a pleasure to meet you" and the first words out of their mouth was "you aren't white are you", I can only assume it started out with my race. Through the years they have been critical of every aspect of my life. Most years I have done very well with looking past it and still being able to say I love them. This year has been especially trying.
I do love them for many reasons. They are my husband's parents, they are good people, they devote much of their time in service of others, they have given much to others in money and time.
The simple fact is that they just don't like me. I came to this realization a month ago. Yup, I guess I am a slow learner as it has taken 30 years for me to figure that one out! lol
I am a fare and just person and evidently a forgiving person as I really feel that most people would have run for the hills with all that has happened regarding my husband's parents. I have never understood how they and for that matter, anyone who claims to be a follower of Christ can be so purposely hurtful towards another human being. I would understand their disdain for me if I was a bad mother, wife or person but I am a good person.  At first I thought that once they got to know me and saw how I am with my children and husband they most certainly would change their mind. There was a moment, although short, that I thought they had come around but they have not.
What I have come to realize, when I look upon myself, is that I am the type of person that wants the people around me to be happy and to like me. What I wish I had done was to concentrate on being happy and be confident in who I am and live an adage that my husband truly lives by and I wish I had lived by too. The adage is, "what other people think of me is none of my business".

What is difficult about this adage for me is how to accomplish this and not come across mean or hurtful. My husband is able to accomplish this and be so kind about it.  I am a different personality though and all my feelings are carried in my face and truly felt in my being. I would make the worse poker player!
Not to feel hurt...?...sigh...!?....what a statement..........I read the words and look down, look away from the computer, shake my head, close my eyes and I feel sorrow.  This feels so impossible but I have never believed in the word impossible. I know all things are possible. It will be my next great challenge.

I have been thinking. That statement alone should scare anyone.: ) I don't like the word regret or the phrase "if only".  I do like the words hope, love, and faith.
I have been struggling with some unresolved feelings for a while now. I really don't understand why they have shown up now. Right after I finished chemo I had this amazing feeling where I felt so free of negative thoughts of any kind. I resolved in my mind that I would live the rest of my life not being worried about what some people think or let it get to me. Then a year went by and I still felt the same but it was like someone out there said, "let's see if I can break you". It is not important what it is that is negatively affecting me but it is important to understand how to resolve the conflict I feel inside.  I do understand that I make the decision to allow something to affect me. I am affected!!! I sit here looking at the computer screen, making faces, sighing, and squeezing my lips together and I know I need to move past this. I am angry that I am not getting past this and I am lost on how to resolve it. So, here is my plan for this week. Pray each night and morning and pray at lunch because eating out is so scarey now a days. Read something uplifting for 15 minutes each day and read the scriptures for 15 minutes each day. The scriptures might come first because I get lost on the "who begot who" thing. :D I am going to exercise for 15 minutes some time during the day each day. And I am going to take some time to meditate and breath. Well, I was breathing before but I am not sure I have ever taken a full breath or exhaled fully either. It takes too much thought. :P
I really don't want to have regrets or wish I had only so I am hoping that doing these things will help instill the positive words in my life more fully. Wish me luck!
P.S. The fast went well and I got over the allergic reaction faster. 

 My dog is looking at me wondering why I am home. LOL

I am home from work sick. I am allergic to cinnamon and stores I visited and homes I visited the past week were full of cinnamon. The cinnamon oils in the air get absorbed into my skin and then I have a serious reaction. I lose my voice or I become a little hoarse. I break out in hives and my body aches. Allergy medicine helps but when I am exposed this much, it just isn't enough. So, I decided to start a cleanse or liquid fast. It is probably a good idea as every time I try to lose weight, I get sick and I feel the same way I did when I was going through chemo. Can toxins from the chemo be stuck in my fat cells? If so, this cleanse will help. 
Even with feeling sick I feel very strong. I have something to compare it to so it is easy to assess where I am at today compared to the past.