So the new year is almost upon us. One can't help but be retrospective and or decide to make some goals or resolutions. I am not fond of the word resolution but I do have a few goals which I have already started as I don't like waiting until the new year and hey, I like being different. My goal came from a quote I read quite a while ago and was recently reminded of. It is:

I have rededicated myself to setting my expectations higher and to the point that I know it will be difficult to attain them. These expectations are only for myself. I am not fond of the belief that we can try to change others or that we force our beliefs on others. I have found that being an honest and true person to myself gives me strength to move past the negative people and/or influences in my life. The right people in my life is a matter of choice.
 To the new year, another year I have been blessed to still be here for. There is so much to be grateful for.

Update:

• We are all finally over that horrible cold and virus that has been going around.
• The fasting helped but I did not make it past 2 days.
• The juicing was great and yes, the bathroom was my close companion for the first 24 hours. lol
• Losing weight has gone slow but I have lost 4.2 pounds. 
• I found some great jeans that fit a full figured short person.
• WalMart is scary the night before black Friday. Many store items were covered with signs saying "Don't Look, Don't Peek!" I think those signs could be used on some folks there too.

• Thanksgiving was great! We spent it at my in-laws and we had a good time. I never give up hope that they will appreciate the relationship I work to have with them.

Now for a Winter funny:
                                      

I caught the dreadful cold that has been going around our area. My husband caught it first. It hit him hard and he had to go in to the doctor for a secondary infection. He just finished his antibiotics. I am doing well though. I decided to juice today. I juiced apples, carrots and spinach. It was tasty! I am waiting for the affects though.

A little worried but I guess cleansing is good?! We will see. I have a great juicer based on the Infomercial. You know we can always believe those infomercials.

 Remember this one! lol

Well enough said. I will let you know how it goes and how often I juice after some time has gone by. 

Do you ever wonder how some people can wear something and think it looks flattering? Unfortunately what catches my eyes the most is what plus size woman wear. Some are bigger than myself and others are a bit smaller and some are shorter and some are taller but everything shows up more on our bodies. I really look at a person sometimes and think, "does a thong with skin tight leggins and a tee-shirt with no bra look good at anytime, anywhere in any universe?"lol.... And even more so, I wonder, if they are wearing this because they don't care about themselves or have some other thought process on why they think this is a good wardrobe choice.
I have made some mistakes in wardrobe choices by choosing the wrong color, wrong shoes or wrong accessory but I haven't lost my head and said, "today I will wear green lipstick and see through blouse with skin tight pants that leave nothing to the imagination (I am full figured and I really want there to be a belief that all the big parts are muscle and are firm with no cellulite so please leave things to the imagination!!!)
What I have learned about fashions for full figured women is that it is difficult to find items that are complimentary. I am short so I have to factor that in as well. I am olive skinned so that must also be factored in. I have a big hiney and not so big boobs. Check, check on the taking this into consideration as well.
I would like to share my ideas on fashion.
I found this dress on Igigi. I think it is flattering for a few reasons. The colors are good. It compliments her legs and the style brings attention to her face and below the mid-section on her body. Plus it would look good on a well endowed or not so well endowed figure.
http://www.igigi.com/rosita-dress.html

I love tunics also. They cover that mid section and are comfortable when purchased to fit loose. Not like a tent though!

I love individualism in people but as in all things, I try to stay away from anything that would make me cringed when I see it on myself or anyone else. Some things should have never been created like, pointed bras (dumb idea Madonna!), men's briefs (sorry but they just don't encourage the word "sexy") and mullets (It breaks my "Achy Breaky Heart" Billy Ray Cyrus)!

I think people probably assume that the hardest trial I have ever faced has been my battle with cancer. That hasn't been my greatest trial. For the past 30 years my greatest trial has been my in-laws. They have had issue with me since they first met me.  Being that I had not said anything except "hello, it is a pleasure to meet you" and the first words out of their mouth was "you aren't white are you", I can only assume it started out with my race. Through the years they have been critical of every aspect of my life. Most years I have done very well with looking past it and still being able to say I love them. This year has been especially trying.
I do love them for many reasons. They are my husband's parents, they are good people, they devote much of their time in service of others, they have given much to others in money and time.
The simple fact is that they just don't like me. I came to this realization a month ago. Yup, I guess I am a slow learner as it has taken 30 years for me to figure that one out! lol
I am a fare and just person and evidently a forgiving person as I really feel that most people would have run for the hills with all that has happened regarding my husband's parents. I have never understood how they and for that matter, anyone who claims to be a follower of Christ can be so purposely hurtful towards another human being. I would understand their disdain for me if I was a bad mother, wife or person but I am a good person.  At first I thought that once they got to know me and saw how I am with my children and husband they most certainly would change their mind. There was a moment, although short, that I thought they had come around but they have not.
What I have come to realize, when I look upon myself, is that I am the type of person that wants the people around me to be happy and to like me. What I wish I had done was to concentrate on being happy and be confident in who I am and live an adage that my husband truly lives by and I wish I had lived by too. The adage is, "what other people think of me is none of my business".

What is difficult about this adage for me is how to accomplish this and not come across mean or hurtful. My husband is able to accomplish this and be so kind about it.  I am a different personality though and all my feelings are carried in my face and truly felt in my being. I would make the worse poker player!
Not to feel hurt...?...sigh...!?....what a statement..........I read the words and look down, look away from the computer, shake my head, close my eyes and I feel sorrow.  This feels so impossible but I have never believed in the word impossible. I know all things are possible. It will be my next great challenge.

I have been thinking. That statement alone should scare anyone.: ) I don't like the word regret or the phrase "if only".  I do like the words hope, love, and faith.
I have been struggling with some unresolved feelings for a while now. I really don't understand why they have shown up now. Right after I finished chemo I had this amazing feeling where I felt so free of negative thoughts of any kind. I resolved in my mind that I would live the rest of my life not being worried about what some people think or let it get to me. Then a year went by and I still felt the same but it was like someone out there said, "let's see if I can break you". It is not important what it is that is negatively affecting me but it is important to understand how to resolve the conflict I feel inside.  I do understand that I make the decision to allow something to affect me. I am affected!!! I sit here looking at the computer screen, making faces, sighing, and squeezing my lips together and I know I need to move past this. I am angry that I am not getting past this and I am lost on how to resolve it. So, here is my plan for this week. Pray each night and morning and pray at lunch because eating out is so scarey now a days. Read something uplifting for 15 minutes each day and read the scriptures for 15 minutes each day. The scriptures might come first because I get lost on the "who begot who" thing. :D I am going to exercise for 15 minutes some time during the day each day. And I am going to take some time to meditate and breath. Well, I was breathing before but I am not sure I have ever taken a full breath or exhaled fully either. It takes too much thought. :P
I really don't want to have regrets or wish I had only so I am hoping that doing these things will help instill the positive words in my life more fully. Wish me luck!
P.S. The fast went well and I got over the allergic reaction faster. 

 My dog is looking at me wondering why I am home. LOL

I am home from work sick. I am allergic to cinnamon and stores I visited and homes I visited the past week were full of cinnamon. The cinnamon oils in the air get absorbed into my skin and then I have a serious reaction. I lose my voice or I become a little hoarse. I break out in hives and my body aches. Allergy medicine helps but when I am exposed this much, it just isn't enough. So, I decided to start a cleanse or liquid fast. It is probably a good idea as every time I try to lose weight, I get sick and I feel the same way I did when I was going through chemo. Can toxins from the chemo be stuck in my fat cells? If so, this cleanse will help. 
Even with feeling sick I feel very strong. I have something to compare it to so it is easy to assess where I am at today compared to the past.

I really try to stay away from movies about someone having cancer. But, tonight, I watched a movie called "Safe Haven". I was caught off guard and one the characters died from cancer. My son and I watched the movie together. Neither one of us said anything for a while after the movie ended. He went out to the garage and worked out and I stayed in the house thinking. I sat on that couch thinking about how fleeting life is and how I have been fortunate to still be here. My son came back in the house once he finished his work out. I had tears in my eyes and he looked at me and hugged me and we cried together for a few minutes. I could feel his pain, his hurt and his fear. It would be difficult to have been as young as he is and not know what the future holds. At his age he should be thinking about life, future and enjoying life. His thought process was forced into another realm when I was diagnosed with cancer. He has not conveyed his feelings to me. A mother's feeling is all I have to go by. We spoke very little but what we said was meaningful. I have wonderful children. I have a wonderful husband. I have my family who loves me. It is hard to even contemplate that I could ever ask for more.

I have to admit. It has been a difficult week. I started out strong but I think I went a bit too hard at it. I wound up dehydrated and it took a couple of days to recuperate from that.
I am full of energy though. My mind feels clearer than it has in a while. I probably should explain. I had what is called "chemo brain". Due to the medication I was on, I could not remember things; my short term memory was horrible. It was difficult. I had to write myself many notes and I had to learn to put things in the same place every time or I would not be able to find it or I would forget where I placed stuff as soon as I turned around. It has taken quite a few months for my body to recover. I was so concerned that this was going to be permanent. I still play games that help work my brain like Sudoku and brain teasers. It has helped me to have a greater compassion for those with illnesses such as Alzheimer's.

It is a new week and I am moving forward.

Everything changed for me on May 17, 2010. That is the day I found out I had endometrial cancer. I can look back on that day and tell you that I was truly in shock. I had never thought about the possibility of me having cancer. I don't think any of us really think of it as a possibility.

This is a picture of me a few months before being diagnosed. On May 24, 2010. I had a radical hysterectomy and I began a journey full of challenges for the next 2 years.

This is a picture of me after my 2nd chemo treatment.

Having cancer has changed me and how I feel about myself. After all the trials and some time for me and my family to heal, I am now at a point that I want to go back to who I was before I allowed weight gain and all that came with it to change me even more than being diagnosed with cancer had.  I really do feel the only way I am going to succeed is to address the things that I allowed to negatively affect me. I may share some of this on this blog as it may be cathartic.

Here comes the hard part.....posting a picture of what I look like now. It is difficult as I never wanted to be over weight. I have heard of people who do but I am not one of them. It affects my body negatively. It makes it difficult to walk, to breath, to find cloths I like, and it has negative affects on my health.

 

Me- September 9, 2013

Yes, I am smiling! I am overweight. I am not depressed nor do I hate myself! There is no need to be sad. How would that help me move forward in a positive and proactive way?

And now a new journey begins!