I really try to stay away from movies about someone having cancer. But, tonight, I watched a movie called "Safe Haven". I was caught off guard and one the characters died from cancer. My son and I watched the movie together. Neither one of us said anything for a while after the movie ended. He went out to the garage and worked out and I stayed in the house thinking. I sat on that couch thinking about how fleeting life is and how I have been fortunate to still be here. My son came back in the house once he finished his work out. I had tears in my eyes and he looked at me and hugged me and we cried together for a few minutes. I could feel his pain, his hurt and his fear. It would be difficult to have been as young as he is and not know what the future holds. At his age he should be thinking about life, future and enjoying life. His thought process was forced into another realm when I was diagnosed with cancer. He has not conveyed his feelings to me. A mother's feeling is all I have to go by. We spoke very little but what we said was meaningful. I have wonderful children. I have a wonderful husband. I have my family who loves me. It is hard to even contemplate that I could ever ask for more.

I have to admit. It has been a difficult week. I started out strong but I think I went a bit too hard at it. I wound up dehydrated and it took a couple of days to recuperate from that.
I am full of energy though. My mind feels clearer than it has in a while. I probably should explain. I had what is called "chemo brain". Due to the medication I was on, I could not remember things; my short term memory was horrible. It was difficult. I had to write myself many notes and I had to learn to put things in the same place every time or I would not be able to find it or I would forget where I placed stuff as soon as I turned around. It has taken quite a few months for my body to recover. I was so concerned that this was going to be permanent. I still play games that help work my brain like Sudoku and brain teasers. It has helped me to have a greater compassion for those with illnesses such as Alzheimer's.

It is a new week and I am moving forward.

Everything changed for me on May 17, 2010. That is the day I found out I had endometrial cancer. I can look back on that day and tell you that I was truly in shock. I had never thought about the possibility of me having cancer. I don't think any of us really think of it as a possibility.

This is a picture of me a few months before being diagnosed. On May 24, 2010. I had a radical hysterectomy and I began a journey full of challenges for the next 2 years.

This is a picture of me after my 2nd chemo treatment.

Having cancer has changed me and how I feel about myself. After all the trials and some time for me and my family to heal, I am now at a point that I want to go back to who I was before I allowed weight gain and all that came with it to change me even more than being diagnosed with cancer had.  I really do feel the only way I am going to succeed is to address the things that I allowed to negatively affect me. I may share some of this on this blog as it may be cathartic.

Here comes the hard part.....posting a picture of what I look like now. It is difficult as I never wanted to be over weight. I have heard of people who do but I am not one of them. It affects my body negatively. It makes it difficult to walk, to breath, to find cloths I like, and it has negative affects on my health.

 

Me- September 9, 2013

Yes, I am smiling! I am overweight. I am not depressed nor do I hate myself! There is no need to be sad. How would that help me move forward in a positive and proactive way?

And now a new journey begins!